1. Players must move continuously in the same direction except when in a widening gyre.
2. Only players with human faces may wear audio communication equipment; falcons and desert birds may not.
3. Things fall apart; the center cannot hold, but must snap the ball to the quarterback within 30 seconds or be charged with delay of game.
4. Mere anarchy shall be rejected by the referee and result in expulsion from the game, but dimming the tide red with blood is subject to an 8-game suspension, and ceremonial drownings shall be punished with the loss of a first-round draft pick.
5. Games end after the completion of four quarters of five centuries each, or the dropping of absolute darkness as measured in lux on a Sekonic C-7000 SpectroMaster Color Meter, whichever comes first.
6. The playing surface must remain level at all times, and any team guilty of rocking it shall forfeit the contest.
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